Anxiety is a bitch.

At the beginning of this month, my Dude was sprawled across our sofa couch as sun rays licked and lulled him into sleep while he pretended he was really concentrating on this stupid movie he insisted we watch. His eyelashes curved up as salutation.

When I was much younger, I used to religiously read Demetria L Lucas’ blog. On the day of the bad movie, I’d just stopped going down a rabbit hole of really old posts from her blog. I stopped because of this line:

“TV is like the water in Cape Town. Cold. Is swimming where I am settling or is it sensible?”

It jumped out at me and placed a cold hand around my throat. I looked at Dude but he was asleep. See, the night before, I’d had this long dream about auditioning to present a music TV show. The dream had a myriad of famous people as cast and I woke up before I could find out the most important thing: did I get the job?

And the line from Demetria’s (we’re on a first name basis in my head, you know) blog snatched the air out of my throat because when you know the next step is bringing your brand of music journalism to television but there are too many obstacles, you wonder if the Universe got your calling mixed up with someone else’s.

A bit of context: Demetria was recounting a tale told by someone who was not having luck in her career until she went “where the water is warm.” That means instead of doing what is expected and failing, she took matters into her own hands and became a creator. Then she was successful. Demetria was interested in pursuing television but the obstacles in her way kept making her think maybe the water is warmer where she was then: writing. But she had already received massive success in the writing world so was she settling?

I haven’t been even slightly as successful as Demetria. Her path is hers. But I do tend to wonder if it’s the right thing to do to stay put and keep stringing together sentences that no one reads in exchange for a steady cheque. I see how most of the girls who do a bit of music TV in Mzansi have also played the waiting game and are only popping now after years of towing the line.

How long will it take me til I got views on Base? Do I have time to play that game? Do I want to? Or will this dream keep haunting me until I actually take steps to leaping while hoping the net will appear to catch me?

That makes me super anxious.

Here’s what I know for sure: I want to continue to interview people on every medium and every platform possible. Writing. Radio. TV. Live. Whatever. I hope to grow and become the brilliant interviewer I keep wishing I am. I hope to never need Rescue Remedy to do all that.